Thursday, 2 February 2012

The last week.... poo..poo and more poo....

Awake in the morning to Sorcha’s morning ritual of swearing and shouting at the shower for the water not being hot enough ha has .. God help her in Goa when we are saying in a straw hut ,he he!
We find Vikas in the car park getting a morning wash with a bottle of water as he did not want to stay in the hotel last night, The car was his hotel for the night.
Head to Udaipur which is a nice country drive through little quaint villages. Scenery is green hills, cows, donkeys carrying everything you can imagine, women balancing large clay pots of water on their heads returning from he wells and like everywhere else we go there is cow shit patties everywhere. The Indian women collect the cow shit then pat it into ‘patties’ and stick it to walls, floors, rooves anywhere it can sit in the sun to dry and then they use it as fuel for fires to cook, heat water, keep warm etc
Arrive in Udaipur after only a couple of hours to an amazing Indian hotel overlooking the lake. The lake looks amazing with all the buildings, castle and palace reflecting off the water. People are washing clothes, themselves and dipping in the lake. On closer inspection the lake looks like all the sewer systems run into I and it has a green mould breeding on top with all sorts of rubbish floating about.
Udaipur is the only city where nobody has hassled us, begged or tried to rip us off- I like this place, We decide to celebrate Australia day early as we will be driving on the official day. We are in a Muslim town so there are no bars, clubs or pubs. We head to the local booze shop which looks like a small prison cell with bars on the windows and doors. Any imports are very expensive. For example a bottle of vodka is about 30$ but if you buy a bottle of Indian whisky it is 6$. We decide to buy a bottle of Indian rum each at the cost of 2.50$! Go for another vegetarian Indian meal and whilst exploring the town see a sign for an Israeli bar which has a pool table! We are so excited! We buy cokes to mix with our rum and play pool in the empty, dark, dusty bar which looks like it has been closed for years. Within minutes we are surrounded by Indian men ( we reckon the worker tested his mates) and we are playing pool together listening to Indian music.
Sorcha goes the toilet and returns telling me it’s full of shit with no flush. I hold on as much as I can and when I can hold on any longer venture into the room of doom.
It smells of shit, piss and dust and I hold my breath. I decide to pour water down the toilet using the jug and water out the tap. I pour the water in the loo. BIG mistake! I think I have jus disturbed 3 months worth of shit that has been sitting there, the smell is horrendous. I stick my head out the door for another gasp of fresh air and hold my breath once more. Trying to hover in skinny jeans is hard whilst holding my breath trying to pull a wet wipe out the packet! All done I run out the room gasping for breath whilst trying to tell Sorcha another toilet tale!
A few straggling Israeli guys arrive and we are sharing tales of our travels. These guys are an inspiration. They bought a motorbike in North India, tied the bags to the back and drove around India alone. NEVER would I attempt to drive on these roads (if I had a licence). They tell us all about Goa and the South of India giving us lots of tips on places to visit and good beaches to go. I really wish they were heading south and we could jump on the back of their bikes!
In Udaipur everything closes at 11pm including the hotels so we head back to the hotel before our curfew. Matt the American we are travelling with really is a light weight. Me and sorcha have drunk more3 than him and are watching im swagger about the road on the way home. We make him walk in the middle of us as you really have to conduct yourself well in India. It is bad form to be drunk or even drink in public here. We finally arrive back the hotel. Matt has stood in various types of shit on he walk home and is nearly knee deep in brown shit splatters up his jeans. We put him to bed and sit up till the wee hours drinking the rest of the rum and talking.
Wake up the next day feeling fresh and head to the local park for a quick stroll and visit the local palace which is nothing special really, they are all quite similar.
We book our train tickets to Varanasi,Khajuraho,Mumbai and finally goa. Some trains take 2 days, some are 24 hours others 11. We book sleeper trains top bunks so no pervy Indians can molest us whilst we sleep!
The Indian man who booked the tickets for us was HOT! In my 2 weeks in India I have seen probably millions of Indians and this is the first hottie we have come across! Bright white teeth, handsome face, a big head of hair and a massive smile! Hot, hot, HOT!
Evening meal comprises of vegetarian curry and rice and just as we decide to leave Sorcha’s tummy feels dodgy. We walk home fast and I am feeling the same. Sorcha runs ahead to use our toilet and I beg matt to let me use his but tell him he must wait downstairs in the hotel so he cannot hear or smell anything! Ha
I wont go into shit detail but lets just say me and sorcha relieved ourselves and are glad we never shit our pants in public.
Today I am feeling a bit dodgy and we have a long 9 hour drive ahead. I really hope I don’t have to stop and shit on the side of the road!
O.k. yes I did have to shit at the side of a road…
Pushcart is a very pretty little town full of arts, textiles, leather shops and funny enough falafel stalls.
Sorcha got blessed by the lake whilst me and matt stood back wondering if this was a scam and she was going to get ripped off. It turned out it was not a scam but the ‘donation’ she had to make was $10 for each family member she had! We told hem we would pay later and donated $1 in the box… even religion is a scam and a rip off!!
Drank chai tea till 1030 pm as hotel curfew is 11pm and smoked some newly purchased Indian charras.
We were so stoned on the way home. It was pitch black, dusty and there were cows in the shadows. Every time a cow moved we shit ourselves. Narrow winding streets, getting lost till we finally find our hotel.
Camel trek the morning at 4.30 am to see sunrise which was freezing cold but amazing and then onto our next destination Raipur.
Raipur. Mad, crazy, busy roads, noise, horns.smelly,crowded….nightmare.
We headed to he train station wih matt to TRY and buy a ticket for him….2 hours later no ticket.
Vikas knew a train guard so the next day we went and purchased a dodgy backhander ticket for double the price. Jumped on a rickshaw to head home. The guy was about 70 years old and we felt so bad him cycling wih 3 of us on the back! We got this as it was the cheapest option but ended up giving him nearly 7x the amount even when he cycled us 30 min away to the wrong direction as we felt so bad on him!
TAJ MAHAL. What can I say. AMAZING. But the Indians were more interested in taking photos of me and sorcha rather than the magnificent Taj that stood in all its glory!
Matt felt really sick after eating a samousa before we entered and vomited in the taj toilets after turning 10 shades of green.
Taj Mahal- Vrindarwen.
This place is where Hare Krishna was born, raised, founded or something like that. Temples, temples and more temples….
This was the place we said goodbye to vikas our driver with a nice little tip- he cried and swore his love to us.
Met up with Sorcha’s family friends who they knew from growing up..
Checked in a guest house and went to meet the family. Very sad story. The families ten year old son died of tonsillitis a few years back so they are in depression and very sad.
The other 4 children aged 7months-14 are all happy and healthy. Deepak the eldest son never went to school and helps round he house which is basically a concrete open aired block with two bedrooms. Monkeys are on the roof waiting to jump and attack any bit of food or objects that come into sight, Every kid and parent has a ‘monkey stick’ to bash the monkeys when they enter the house. Me ans sorcha hold on tight to our cameras. It’s sad. This family have nothing but the clothes on their back, no jobs, rats running about the house and wooden slabs to sleep on and they make us fresh hot chai, food and make us at home. The eldest daughter who is 13 does all the cooking making us fresh chapattis and tea whilst the other kids run round cleaning up after her and chasing the monkeys away. A white rat runs past and Deepak catches it. We ask him is he going to kill it. White rats are good luck he will keep it and sell it to he temple. Deepak does all the general duties of the house and when his sister comes home the 13 year old she cooks and washes the kids as the parents are very sick with depression. I feel so sorry for them. They have probably never seen a green field, he ocean or anything like that. it’s a little dusty town full of narrow winding streets and the only thing they get to see from the age of 5 is school.
After finishing the amazing food we head to meet Jimmy,aged 24(looks 34) the father of the kids brother. He is like us, works all day, runs a successful business making temple clothes which he ships all over the world and rides a motorbike. Him and the other family live in a huge concrete house a few doors down form the kids. He takes us out to party for the evening to drink rum but makes us sware not to tell his family. We should have known what ‘out to party’ meant. He has a police officer friend who picks us up in a car with a bottle of rum, water and Bombay mix we head to a dark dusty road whilst Michael Jackson plays off the nokia phone. Me and sorcha skull rum in the back seat whilst the police officer keeps his eye out for police. If we or him get caught drinking it is very bad. Every time I write I cannot explain properly. There are no bars here, no pubs, no restraunts selling beer. Alcohol is drank secretly in private and that’s the way it is.
He then takes us to an ashram (temple) and tells us to act sober and he will introduce us to his friend a guru of hare Krishna. We ARE sober and fine, and eat a delicious meal of chickpea, spinach, potato and bread followed by more bread which is all cooked by a lovely 80 odd year old woman. Nobody can speak English only jimmy so he translates whilst we get a Krishna blessing, tumeric rubbed on our heads and a huge orange ribbon tied round our neck. A t this point jimmy is pissed and we think he is drinking to impress us. It isn’t working,
We head back to our guest house and jimmy comes in for a rum. He takes his shoes off and gets cosy and we tell him not to get too comfortable he is having one rum then leaving.
He sits on my side of the bed with his shoes off, I hate smelly feet.

Oh yes, have I mentioned my sweat smells funny. Like onions, curry and piss all mixed together seeping out my pores. My clothes stink, my arm pits….its grose. He starts getting rowdy drinking more rum and we tell him to leave.
He is asking questions like ‘ what man am I interested in? what makes me happy? What do I look for in a man?’ he then asks sorcha can he ask to marry me and he loves me. We tell him to stop being stupid and make him leave. After 30 min and sorcha literally pushing him out the door we can sleep peacefully-well sorcha can. I have the smell of an Indian lingering on my side of the bed.
Go to visit Sonia, jimmy’s 21 year old sister who stays home all day every day washing, cooking and cleaning and will only be set free when a husband is found and a marriage is arranged. I really don’t know how these people live. There are no bars, clubs, cafes, beaches, cinemas… there is nothing, The only way to have fun is by going to a temple and worshipping, They chant hare Krishna 12 hours a day which unfortunately for us starts at 4 am and wakes us up. Sorcha screams ‘oi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ loudly every morning when the Indians in our guess house wake her up chattering and slamming doors to get ready to worship..hahhahahah
She feeds us once again..Im gonna be so massive by the time I leave here! We sit on the roof all day in the sun sweating our asses off in 28 degrees heat whilst covered up in trousers, shawls, long sleeve tops wishing we were in a bikini!
We check out the guest house and go to say in the ashram. The ashram is free you just donate and it is so much prettier and peaceful than our hotel.
Pink building surrounded by green fields of roses and all different flowers which they worship the gods with. Hundreds of peacocks, parrots and pigeons which they feed 250kg corn per day and lots of cows.
This is what I don’t get. There are children on the streets begging, hungry and dirty and the people in India feed cows and monkeys before the human race!! What the hell!? All these poor people are on the streets begging, cold, suffering and the cows have he best life ever??
I cant get my head round it? We saw a woman with about 200 bananas today feeding the monkeys. Why couldn’t she just feed the people on the streets?
Rant over.
We wash our 14 days worth of washing as we have seen no laundry shops like in Thailand… we are going to have to hand wash our clothes I think… and jitto takes us to his mates house which is one concrete bedroom with 2 beds where 3 people live. No toilet, no shower nothing. Where do they wash? He pulls out rum, Bombay mix, nuts and drinks. He asks can he kiss me. I say no. End of subject.
Me and sorcha have 1 drink and say we have to go back to eat. We jump on the back of his motorbike and he takes us to another friends. I think he is trying to show us off to his mates. The wife is ordered to make us food and the husband shows us some antique Indian guns.
The wife has her face covered and this really freaks me out. Lots of Indian women do not show their faces and cover them up. You cant even see their eyes because their whole face is covered. It is very scary. They do this because they cannot show their face to father in laws, I don’t like it ,but oh well.
Finally an hour later we leave and everyone in the ashram is asleep but there is a little boy waiting patiently with some food and more bread for us.
Cold nights sleep followed by a cold shower and OH YES! I have not mentioned the latest toilet happenings!
There is NO toilet paper in India. They only sell it at tourist places as they use their left hand. If we go in a restaurant when we find one we steal the napkins but they have ran out and we are now using our left hand followed by splashes of water. It is dirty, uncomfortable and make you feel like you have pissed yourself when you leave the bathroom and the water runs down your legs! The toilets are holes in the floor and we are both sick to death of not being able to wipe our ass with paper! Its so grose you have to look at your hand to see if there is any shit left before you finish squatting and splashing your ass with water. We definitely remember to eat with our right hand nowadays!

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