OK. So I have not wrote a blog for 2 weeks as I had no
computer but I kept a written diary and the next few pages you read I have just
got up early to type up!
It has just
taken me 7 hours to do this! Enjoy.
Sat 18 May Cathy and Dave arrived today. It was so nice
to see them and I really want to stay and hang out in McLeod Ganj with them
instead of going to my introduction into Buddhist philosophy and mediation
retreat at Tushita. They found it highly amusing everybody in the area stopped
to say hi and chat to me. I know all the locals now as I have been here nearly
a month and tend to hang about with them a lot. They nicknamed me ‘Paula Lama’
which I and the local lads found highly amusing. We discussed their wedding plans
in July 2014 and after a few hours we decided I can still be a guest as well as
the chef so I am going to be their personal scouse chef and cook their Thai
wedding 3 course meals. Very excited! I am already planning menus and whipping
up ideas as we speak! I introduce them to my school class who love them to bits
and are sad to see me leave. I take them around the temple and bump into a guy
I spotted at a café a week ago. Well I never spotted him I heard him. I don’t
know whether he is American or Aussie but his voice is amazing. I think he has
a bit of Indian in him I am not sure. It turns out after a quick chat for
directions he is heading to Tushita too. Sweet! A week ago I met a really nice
lady who lives here and reminds me of Olive. She must be 50 0dd.She lived in
Manchester and in 1996 her 22 year old daughter was shot by her boyfriend. He
then killed himself. She told me an amazing tale of how she was suicide, losing
the plot and came to India to find happiness. She found a guru , she sorted herself
out and now feels like it’s time to leave and move on to the next life. She
feels like she is wasting time. I listened for hours at one point crying.WOW.
This woman is an inspiration. I told him she should write a book. We swapped
emails and I got a lovely touching email off her today saying I reminded her of
her daughter and what she hopes she would be like now if she was alive. Bless
her it was a very touching, emotional email which made me realize how lucky I
am and how some people can jus connect only knowing each other for only a few
minutes or hours.
The Indian guy who runs the guest house next to my place was
very nice to me when I was sick. Checking up if I was ok and we have got to
know each other a lot the last 3 weeks. His name is Sunny; he is 27, from Cashmere
and is hot as. I don’t find Indian men attractive, they are not my cup of chai
but it seems the further north I get the hotter these Cashmere boys are
getting! Typical Indian men are very skinny, small and dark skinned, the
cashmere men are tall, muscle and light skinned with amazing features and have
a great sense of humor. He comes out for a drink with us and when he gets a bit
touchy feely I decide to lay down the rules and say we are friends only. I
think when I get out of Tushita I may change my mind about that! We will see!
When in Rome and all that. I met a funny Irish lad tonight called Tom who is
also going to Tushita. We went back to his and had drinks and chatted until we
the crazy Russian chick next door complained and we had to leave. The gate was
locked so we had to jump over roves from building to building to escape. I was
shitting myself.
Mon 20 May DAY 1 of Tushita.
A few days ago I met a girl called Carly who is also going
to Tushita. She has battled with her weight and had eating disorders since she
was young. I met up with her for lunch before hand and we chatted for ages. We
got on like a house on fire and when I was telling her how un confident I am
about my body she was in shock. She said she wished she could be as confident
as me and said I am lucky. I was surprised. Don’t get me wrong I am confident
and will talk to anybody but when it comes down to my looks I have zero
confidence at all. Nobody has ever said they wished they were like me. In a
selfish way it gave me a bit of a confidence boost and made me realize that I’m
not that bad. I hope his course is going to change the way I think and help me
get over this ‘looks issue’ and a few other skeletons I have locked up in the
Paula closet, the main one being Andy’s death. Irish joins us and we chat about
the course. Him and carly are talking about science, philosophy and physics and
I do not have a clue. I am worried I won’t understand any of this course. I am
only here for the mediation so I will concentrate in that. Everybody starts
arriving and ‘hot accent’ turns up. We get chatting and I try to concentrate on
what he’s saying without getting distracted by his voice.Amazing.A few Israelis
I know arrive and I now wish after
sitting in this little group chatting we were signing up for club med or
something and not this course! The resident nun comes out and gathers us in the
temple/gompa for a chat about the coming 10 days. There are 85 of us attending
the course. We are all given a ‘karma job’s o do for 15 min a day. I and Carly
are given the window cleaning job.Great.One of my pet hates when cleaning. I
was fuming until I heard that some people had to clean toilets and wash dishes!
I got a good job I Think. We are asked to stand up introduce ourselves and say
why we were here. I have never been so nervous in all my life. I was shaking,
had a lump in my throat, my eyes were filling up with tears and I kept going
over and over in my mind what I was going to say. I jumped up quickly and said
with a shaky voice and bright red face, “I am here to learn about Buddhism and
how to meditate.” It took 2 min and felt like hours. Everybody said the same
thing which made me feel a lot more at ease we were all here learning but one
girl upset me. She was from Vietnam and stood up and said she was here to get
over the sudden death of her father. I started thinking about Andy and got
upset. After a few hours briefing she tells us from now on it is silence for 10
days. I walk out the gompa and think shit, this is it. It finally hits me what
I have let myself in for. Go back to my room and everybody is quiet. We are all
looking at each other thinking what the fuck?!It is so weird not saying goodnight.
I pray to god I can do this and not leave before the 10 days is up.
Day 2
The gong rings at 5.45 am and I am already awake. I woke up
at 2.30 and could not get back to sleep.6 showers and 10 drop toilets between
85 people led to some queues. Glad I was up early. Bump into Carly at the loo I
am about to say hi and realize no alking.Feels weird.Just smile. Mediation till
7.30 then breakfast of porridge and banana before class starts at 9.The teacher
was telling us to look at our thoughts and not listen to them. I didn’t have a
clue and sat and planned wedding menus, my to do list in Cairns when I get back
and thought about my family and mates. Man I wish I had brought coffee I am so
tired! Today our teacher talks about greed, money, success and how we should
help others. I related to everything he said, found it really interesting and
everything he was saying I have been doing for years. I keep thinking of one
friend in particular when he talked about greed, money and ego. This course
would do her he world of good I think. Sat next to Carly at lunch and had to
move too hard not to talk. I was so tempted. It’s so frustrating I keep going
to say hi and stop myself. It’s been 16 hours now and it is killing me not
talking. I want to tell Carly the guy next to her is the ringer of Gary Glitter
but I can’t. I am cleaning windows and Irish is behind me brushing up, normally
I would crack a joke but I can’t. Lunch was vegetables, rice and tofu.
Meditation was really hard tonight I could not concentrate and kept thinking of
the wedding, Sally, Jodie’s baby, Leanne and Hannah. Discussion group today we
were allowed an hour’s talking.It felt so nice although I wanted to talk about
each other, our interests, travels but we were discussing topics from the
previous lesson.
Day 3
Breakfast of porridge again, I really want coffee. I feel
really tired. No sleep again kept thinking things. After breakfast I find a
note in my bed of Carly saying she has left and good luck. If I give up she
will see me for a beer in a few days. I run outside to try and find her and
bump ion Irish smoking outside the compound. I passed him the note mouthing
“have you seen carly?” “That counts as speaking!” he says. He said he walked her
gate she is fine and was bored as she wanted to do meditation rather than
lectures. I am relieved she was not upset but worried because I was bored too
as some things I did not understand and wondered how I was going to do this as
I am a lot less intelligent than her. Today’s afternoon lecture concentrated on
physics, atoms,particles,matter,science
and all things I did not know about. Teacher may as well have been
speaking Chinese. I took notes but on reading them afterwards I understood 3%
of what I’d wrote. People were asking questions and I didn’t even understand
what they were asking. Don’t know whether I can do this. I want to but I don’t
know what the hell he is talking about. God damn Notre Dame high school
teaching me about parts of a flower in science! Meditation was very hard again.
I can’t sit right without pain; hot accent is in front of me wearing a
distracting tie dye t-shirt which I keep making pictures out of and for some
reason he distracts me. We are old to pretend we are lying in a field with
beautiful things surrounding us. I imagine being in the field with hot accent
listening to his voice.Haha.What’s wrong with me?!Feel really negative tonight.
I can’t meditate, can’t concentrate and aunt got a clue what we got taught
today.
Day4
Wake up at 4am can’t sleep. So tired. When the
gong strikes I huff and puff. I am thinking of leaving. I get to the gimp after
porridge and I count 8 empty cushions which makes me think I’s not just me
finding it hard and don’t feel as stupid. We are allowed to book a private 10
min app with the teacher today. I put my name down. Went and had a word with
him and told him I feel stupid no knowing certain things and how am I supposed
to understand if Carly left and she was clever. He told me sometimes you can be
too clever and analyze stuff to much.I’s good to be open minded, take in what I
do understand and don’t have any expectations. He has been meditating and
studying Buddhist philosophy 25 years and still does not understand things and
is still learning. I feel a lot better and want to stay and finish what I have started.
Today’s class was all about the 6 disturbing emotions we all have, why they
arise and how to deal with them. My main disturbing emotion is Andy’s death. I
had to walk out the lecture and take a 10 min in the look to have a little cry
and clean myself up before heading back in. Our group’s hour discussion was
about this topic. The Korean girl who lost her father is in my group. We are
talking about how to get over death. I have a massive lump in my throat. I
don’t know how the Korean girl is coping; she looks fine she is so strong. I
try my best not to get upset but after the hour end up in tears again. Nobody
has seen or knows I’m crying which is good. I don’t want people o think I’m
pulling a sympathy vote. I wish I had a phone today so I could ring Sally. She
would snap me out of this. Even if I could just talk to someone. I am going to
break my silence ode and plan a sneaky chat with Irish. I wish Carly was still
here. Can’t concentrate in lectures today thinking of Andy it is a waste of
time me being here. Last lectures are all about karma I really get into it.
Understand everything, relate to everything .Every time we hear about money,
greed and attitude I keep thinking of my friend.Man, she is going to get some
bad karma for her attitude in life. I kept falling asleep in mediation tonight,
it’s so hard. Dinner was soup again. Although they threw some peas in tonight.
Did not see Irish at dinner or evening meditation, hope he is ok.Hot accent
asked a question today in class, his voice is so sexy. I wish he was the
teacher.hahha
Day 5
Feeling very positive today and looking forward to class. I
keep smelling toast during meditation. But we never have toast for breakfast so
I must be imagining it because I would love toast instead of porridge! I keep
thinking of Amanda every time I sand in the oiled queue. There is an old
fashioned watering can outside the look and I think she would love it. Funny
how you hank of people and things! Then I start thinking of her wedding in the
garden with Chris and someone nudges me the toilets free haha.Our lecturer
reminds me of the woman who hosts fat club in Little Britain.Everytime an
Indian asks a question he pulls a confused face, us is hand behind his ear like
he is struggling to hear and asks them to repeat the question. I see Irish
talking with the smokers outside and decide to break my silence today. I think
if I hadn’t seen other people talking I would have stayed silent. I told him
about my Little Britain thought. I should not have done that.Everytime an
Indian asks a question we look at the lecturer and I am trying so hard o keep
my laugh in and not look at Irish. To be fair I have seen and heard many people
whispering. I think if we are allowed to speak at discussion group for an hour if’s
not that important. People don’t speak in sight of eachers,monks or nuns but
whisper in bed or in smoking section and only for a few minutes. Irish tells me
he has been escaping every night having beers, joints and real food. I am not
even tempted. I really want to finish this course and not get kicked out. I do
ask him to bring me back a jar of coffee though! Found out today in class a
local monk died in the lotus position meditating a few days ago. I was his
cremation today. That explains the reason I was smelling toast today! Irish
escaped at lunch and skipped half the day today to go to the outside and relish
in pizza, joints and beer. Mediation was thinking about people who we have
fallen out with today. It made me think a lot about a good mate I fell out with
before mass so I went back o my room and wrote her a massive letter but now I
can’t stop thinking about it as I want to just pos it! Hot accent smiled at me
today. Man his smile is amazing too. I keep thinking of him? What’s wrong with
me!?Am I going round the twist?!I need o step back and use my new mindfulness
skills and think lol.I never thought much about Andy yesterday or today.Had a
weird dream last night about people who I have not seen for nearly 20 years.
Day 6
Could not sleep again last night thinking of all the people
I have fell out with because of my actions, thoughts and honesty and thinking
how I can put things right. Gong goes off and I have been up an hour writing already.
I don’t feel tired or fall asleep once today the coffee is working a treat.
Mediation was a success today. I never moved an inch once, of course my mind
was distracted but my body was not. I often hear people saying their lives have
changed because of certain things they experience. I don’t hank my life has
changed but my opinions have, my religious beliefs and thoughts and its only
day 6! I feel really positive. I am really happy and excited ode as I can see
some results in myself. I keep thinking of Andy’s death and thinking negative
thoughts, why,how,etc and get sad. Of course I’m not going to magically stop
getting sad but I am learning how to. When these thought some to my head I need
to hank before I start thinking bad thoughts. With death because I have been
brought up a catholic and have been the last 30 years I think when you die you
go o heaven or hell. So you can go to a psychic and contact them. You can talk
to me and pray to them. I still hold onto the fact that one day I may get to
speak to Andy via a psychic or even some days wish I could die for a few min
just to see an speak to him. Well I think god, heaven, hell the afterlife it’s
all bullshit now. At discussion group we were talking about death and the
people in my group are atheists. So I asked if there is no god or after life
how do these psychics contact the ded.They thought and explained a psychic can
read minds and of course they are reading whets in your mind,waiting for
reactions and tell you what you want o hear. When Joanne went o a psychic and
told me a hello from Andy I was so happy and sad at the same time. Now I think
he woman jus read her mind and never really contacted him. So now I’m thinking
like this here is no point in praying and talking to Andy and getting upset as
he is not here, he’s gone and I will never hear or see him again so I need to
let go. It feels like massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The
lectures are not about converting us or religion we just learn facts. I am not
saying my prayers or speaking to Andy tonight there is no point. I can
definitely say I am not a catholic, something I thought I would NEVER say. I am
learning so much and it’s all common sense. Rather than switching my brain off
me really need o switch it on? I thought meditating was all about switching
off. It’s not it’s about switching on! I am learning and discovering new things
every day here it’s unreal. Why have I not thought like this before? Ignorence?
No confidence? I don’t know. At the beginning of his course I thought I would
not understand anything. Now it’s all falling into place and I am so happy. I
decided o concentrate on meditation as I wanted to learn how to meditate. Now
the tables have turned and I enjoy the philosophy side more! I feel like I don’t
want this course to end oday! Yeah, the food is tasteless but throws in a bit
of chili sauce and it’s ok. Talking of food Irish has escaped for a steak
tonight and a date with a Dutch girl he met last night. I am not even tempted.
I am definitely finishing this course. The monkeys raided the roof today during
meditation which was funny but scary when one snarled in my direction. Just
walked out of mediation class in tears. It was going so well today until now.
The teacher tells us think of somebody who has done bad things to us really
hurt us and imagines taking all the bad things in their life away from them and
giving them all the happiness hey need and everything they want. I am thinking
about my knob head ex and thinking of everything that I went through. Then I
get angry and think how the fuck can I take all these bad things back?!I keep
thinking and getting more upset and get up and leave before I burst out crying
in there. I’m in my room now in tears like a knob fuming, how can something 10
years ago still hurt me and upset me now. I make me mad I still think of him he
does not deserve to be in my mind. I need to go and find a fogged I wish Irish
hadn’t escaped. The Israeli girl left mediation too as she was upset and came
to my bed and we hugged and had a little cry together. We didn’t speak we just
hugged like crazy women. I went out and go a fag off the little lively Indian
man and I made me feel good.But after I smoked it I am angry I did. I have gone
4 weeks without smoking.Damn! How can that fucker sill upset me now?!Fuming.
Climb into bed and there is a bar of chocolate under my sheet, must be he Israeli
girl. Bless her.
Day 7
Woke up fuming. I am in a bad mood and angry. Regret having
a fag too. Feel a bit of a knob for getting so upset but I’m going to ask Irish
his opinion today or my teacher if I can catch him alone sometime. I need a phone.
I wish I could call Sally.Lizzie gets married today. I can’t stop thinking
about her, how she looks, how she feels, who’s there, is she happy, what her
dress is like. I think about her all day. I send him good vibes in mediation.
Normally I would say a prayer but what’s the point. I never said my prayers
last night and it’s the first time my whole life I have actually said I am not
saying them .I felt guilty and was tempted but did not say them. Can’t eat brake
or concentrate in mediation his morning I am fuming still. Asked Irish’s
opinion at lunch and he said nobody could think like that or I would be very
hard o wish someone happiness who had done something bad. You would have to
have lots of compassion. A Tibetan monk was in a prison and was tortured for 20
years by the Chinese. When we were released the Dalai Lama asked him what was
he most sacred of and thinking during his time there. He said he was worried he
would lose compassion for the people torturing him. Man, I could never think
like this and I think many people feel the same so I need to get over it. The
only way I can get over anger for this person is to show the person compassion,
that will never happen so whatever. I told him about hot accent and my crush,
he pissed himself laughing but said he too has a crush on the Indian girl in
his discussion group. Today we talked about me, what is menthe mind, thoughts,
lucid dreaming, rebirth and lots of stuff that Sally would be interested or is
interested in. I think she would love this place. I hank of her all day a lot
am not being preached to I am just
expanding my knowledge and learning a lot.80 percent of my mates would say this
is all bullshit but a few people I know would be really interested. A lot of my
mates who would say it is bullshit would learn a lot too I think. But I’m not
going to go back home ‘preaching’. Each to their own. Can’t get my head round
the fact there is a mind, a brain, a body but where is me. I think I get it
then the teacher pulls something else out of the bag. I think I have just found
my hobbies. I hope when I get back I can continue learning more and improve my
meditation skills. It really intrigues me and I don’t want this course to end.
Time flies in class. I will never learn or know everything but as long as I’m
interested and enjoying it that is all that matters.
DAY 8
Up at 4am can’t sleep again. Done something to my back
yesterday at yoga it is killing me.Great.We got eggs for breakfast today!
Great! Skipped porridge. We skipped yoga today and were allowed outside the
compound and taken for a walk to a local mediation retreat where nuns and monks
come for months or even years. The walk there oak 30 min and it were so nice
getting out and walking. I miss walking. Funny, I was mindful today and
concentrated on the walk and nothing else and ended up with a bagful of rubbish
picking it up as I noticed it. Normally walking down the street I is too busy
thinking of where I’m going to notice anything. On the way back I spot
Liverpool Mark who I met a few weeks before. I waited till everyone was out of
sight and had a quick hug, hello and a chat. He was leaving India today. That
was meant to happen I got to say a real goodbye. Last night was the first time
in the last 2 and half years I have not spoke to Andy intentionally. I wanted
to but decided not to. He’s not here and he never will be. I told the Israeli
girl after lunch quickly before nun patrol seen us talking and I was so happy
to get it out and tell someone how I feel. We hugged and she told me she had
something to tell me but the gong struck and we had o get back to class. I
can’t wait to tell my family, friends and especially Sally and Nicole. There
was a commotion in the room tonight of whispers and torches when I got up one
of the girls had a scorpion under her pillow. We managed to get it in a jar and
out in the garden. Lucky she checked her bed. I always see her checking her bed
at night and I hank paranoid girl. Now I am doing the same!
Day9
Everyone looks so tired today and I have had 4 people ask me
for a bit of my coffee. It’s taking its toll on everyone all this mediation I think.
It’s hot today as well.84 of us in one room the size of a school gym is a bit hot.
Could have killed Irish today. I and hot accent were sitting at the same table
and Irish sat facing me. He kept looking to his left at ho accent and raising
his eyebrows. I was beetroot and dying to laugh. I go up o move, Irish got up
to move. Irish moved. I couldn’t even finish my breakfast with embarrassment
and I was dying to laugh. I had to go the oiled and compose myself. What am I
14 again? I went the smoking area and give Irish some shit he just laughed and
said I need to grow up lol.Hot accent must think I’m a nutter.To be fair though
if I had no have broke my silence ban I would not be in this position so that’s
my karma! We realized I have been easing with cutlery for a week now. No
stained nails or fingers from using my hands.Nice.Been thinking about very one
at Cairns 2 today, Hannah and Ryan looking forward to moving in with them,
meeting Mini marty,seeing sally and family,olive,Leanne keg…ash it’s all going
through my mind. Today we are mediating all day with no philosophy classes. I
miss the classes. Finding mediation easy but it’s hot. Cannot get Louis
Armstrong ‘We have all the time in the world’ out of my head today? Nearly fell
asleep on the last hour of mediation but today went quicker than I thought.
Israeli girl was sick in bed today so I brought her lunch she never said hanks
she jus said it was too much. I made her ginger tea and after she drank it she
said it gave her a high temp and could I not put ginger in it next time.
Normally I would have told her to fuck off and make her own. I smiled as calm
and thought it’s her behavior speaking not her.Hhahha.She’s sick she’s not
thinking straight. Let’s see how this works when I’m off this course loll. I
had patience, I worked when I stopped and thought…I am all about being
mindful.Hahah.Anoher 4 hour mediation session I took the Israeli girl some tea
and we had a chat. Ten years ago at the age of 46 her mum had a stroke and is
now paralyzed 100%.She is upset, angry and affected by this still. She was
hoping this course would help her sop getting angry and upset and it has in a way.
She has realized it’s happened, her mum will not be here forever so she has to
make the most of the now, the present. I always wonder what if my mum dies.
What if my dad died? What will I do? I get sad and upset. I need to think about
now Toni’s all about living in the present and not the past or the future. I
can still have aspirations and memories but I need to not dwell on thoughts
about the past or future. Two of my friend’s mums have died in the last month
and made me realize how lucky I am today and I thought about them a lot wanted
to say a prayer again loll and remembered it’s not real! Irish missed all
meditations and meals today. It’s funny how I have spoken to only 4 people in
here but everyone else I seem to sort of know. We eat together, sleep
together,study,meditate and I have nicknames for them allege, hot accent he is
late everyday for class, he can’t sit still in mediation so I hank he would be
a bad time keeper and a lively person, girl in bed next to me always borrows my
shampoo so I think she is tight-jus buy someone Indian lad can’t keep still and
brings food into gimp which we were specifically told not o do, he laughs out
loud in class a lot think he has Audit’s made me realize that most of the time
I speak it’s not worth saying. Does what I say really matter sometimes?
Especially when it involves something that does not concern me or involve me. I
think now when I speak I will think twice before I speak especially if it
concerns other people. Irish is not at the smoking area giving his daily Dalai
Lama speech. The Indian man tells me with his lively head wobble and hand
actions Irish have left a day ago. We had to meditate about someone close to us
who has died tonight. I got upset. The nuns and monks next door were chanting
beautiful songs and it all got to me. I sat and thought and calmed myself down
so I didn’t have to leave the room but still filled up and had a lump in my throat.
I feel like I’ve took a million steps backwards. I suppose it’s not that bad of
course I’m going to feel sad sometimes I’m only human. Time to go to bed. I am
sad I am leaving.
THE FINAL DAY!
One thing I will miss about this place is the peace and quiet.
I Think I have taken it for granted. Dreading going back into the town with all
the car horns, noise and commotion. I don’ want to leave today. I have been up
since 2are with the Israeli girl she is really sick. I sat with her and mopped
her brow, got her water and just sat with her outside as she was scared to be
alone. She is very ill. The hospital does no open till 8am.She has asked me to
go with her. I really don’t want to as it’s the last day but I can’t say no. I
put her back to bed while I go to morning meditation and go and tell the nun on
duty she’s sick. The nun comes the room and we are allowed to speak as I’s an
emergency. The nun is lovely from Germany with tattoos and asks her name.
Rachel her name is. I introduce myself. We both burst out laughing. The last 7
days we have been hugging, having sneaky conversations and really connect with
each other and on the last day we find out each others name. After meditation I
go to get Rachel to go the hospital but she wants to go alone and feels a bit
better. I am secretly happy as I want to stay and finish. I really wish it was
not over. Everyone looks so happy and there are massive smiles everywhere. We
had our morning meditation session but I couldn’t concentrate thinking about
what I am going to do on the outside. After meditation hot accent comes over
and asks me for a coffee with his sexy smile. I think he is asking for cough
liquid I am so nervous. I am such a knob. After asking him to repeat himself 3
times I give him the coffee. I think I looked nervous. What a knob! Haha. We
went back to the gimp for our last session of feedback and we were allowed to
talk but told not to get too excited. It was so funny. I had a girl that came
up to me and tell me she thought I had such good energy and she used to love
watching me smile and really wanted to get to know me she said I looked like fun.
One guy came and we hugged each other to congratulate each other like we had
known each other for years. Everyone was hugging, shaking hands and smiling. We
all had a picnic lunch together and I decided to try and get to know all the
people I had ‘mentally’ connected with the last few days. So all the girls and
boys that made an effort to smile at and ones I thought looked happy I
organized a place to meet when the course was over later that day. I decided to
invite hot accent. I went over to him and made general chit chat, swapped face
books and then he asked me what I’m doing later. I told him the name of the
place where we were to meet and took his number. Paula Morris being forward?
MY FIRST DAY ON
THE OUTSIDE 1 JUNE
Leaving the retreat I bumped into Irish on the way nod must
have talked for an hour without stopping for breath and got the last 10 days of
talking out my system. I told him to come for drinks and I would be his wingman
with the Indian chick he liked. I headed back to meet Cathy and Dave but they
had gone out for the day. I prayed they would return before 5 so I could put a
different set of clothes on and look nice! My hotel had forgotten to save me a
room so Sunny came to the rescue and give me one at his hotel. He was very
happy to see me and we sat and chatted for a few hours over coffee. He asked me
for a drink damn! Lol! So, I told him I was heading out with friends but I
would catch up with him tomorrow. I thought Cathy and Dave may have my phone
turned on so I used his phone to call my number. When I dialed in my number it
came up saved as beautiful girl Paula which was a bit embarrassing. I headed to
the internet café to face book Cathy and Dave and bumped into hot accent. He
was with his travelling buddy. I asked them where they met. He told me on a gay
dating website. I was gutted. Then they both burst out laughing hahah.I wonder
what my face looked like. No Cathy and Dave so I put my 10 day old clothes on
and headed the restraint. Word had spread about the meeting and there were
about 40 of us in total. I invited hot accent to sit next to me and we sat and
talked for hours. We had lots in common and he was a good laugh. Been there a
few hours and Irish reckons I’m ‘in’ loll. I hear someone shout me from the
road below and look over the balcony and it’s Sunny. He has had a few drinks
and asks me would I like to go for a drink. I tell him I’m with a friend but he
is welcome to join us-praying he refuses-he does and leaves.He comes inside 10 min later and asks me who the guy is,
who all these people are and says he has missed me. I send him home and say he
is drunk. The restraint closes at midnight and me,Irish,Indian chick he likes,
hot accent and 2 other s decide to head to
Irish’s pad near mine which is an hour walk from where they all stay.
Everyone is worried about how they are going to get home so me and Irish tell
them not to worry we have spare beds.Lies.We have a double bed each. We go to
the local Indian pool club and it’s closed but a quick bang on the door and
they open up for us. We sit talking till 5 am. Hot accent is from Bangladesh
but moved to Melbourne when he was 8.He is now 25.I keep my age quiet.lol.Time
to leave and Indian chick is going to Irish’s, the 2 others are walking back
and me and hot accent are heading to my place. We creep down the 86 steps to my
guest house so we don’t wake Sunny as I feel bad on him and sit up talking
until 9am.Dave and Cathy knock at 10 am and are getting on a 13 hour bus to
Armritsar.No way. I agree to follow them in 2 days as I need to rest and
chill.hey thought that would be the case and head off to 47 degree
armritsar.Sod that. Well, no need for details but let’s just say the 5month sex
drought is no more and this guy is really nice. I never felt awkward, paranoid
or did the whole Paula rigmarole of I feel fat. Well maybe I did a first but
this guy is so nice. Full of compliments, funny, nice personality and A HOT
ACCENT! HAHA Sunny wasn’t too impressed when he seen he leaves my room in the
morning and gave me a look of death. I asked him what his problem was and he
apologized saying he was Hun govern. Later that day we meet up for dinner and
have another night talking for hours-well maybe me chatting his ear off. Next
day we meet up with Irish and hear his tale of how after all the ground work he
put in, in 2 nights he ended up with a little kiss.haha bless him. Next day me
and hot accent were both leaving going in different directions and had a
farewell lunch with Carly and said our goodbyes. We may bump into each other in
the next couple weeks or not. I think I learnt a lot from this guy as well as Tushita.
He gave me a lot of self confidence and made me feel good about myself. I
believe everyone you meet you meet for a reason. I know all my mates and family
say you’re no fat, you’re not fat, you’re not ugly blab la blab but you never
listen to those closest to you. Hearing it from someone you barely know is a
different story. I feel a lot more confident and need to stop thinking like a kid.
I’m 30 and need to grow up it’s not all about my figure I should appreciate
what I have egg my AMAZING personality loll and get on with it. So yeah let’s
just say I am the happiest I have ever been in the last few years and am
looking forward to thinking positive and looking at my life in a different view!
5th June
Sunny was an ass hole when I left yesterday. I said I’m
leaving he said well, whatever.Sweet.Me and Irish headed to Srinagar to meet up
with Cathy and Dave. The Indian chick is heading here too that’s more the
reason he came.21 hours travelling in 47 degree heat is not comfortable.
Driving through Punjab and stopping for lunch I got a million stares more than normal.
The Punjabi’s are terrible for it. Arrive in Cashmere. My god these people are stunning.
It’s like a catwalk of models walking down He Street. The men are gorgeous but sill
all has the Indian playboy mentality. Met a few nice cashmere lads with Irish
Indian chick ode and spend the day sightseeing, went to one of the man’s houses
for an amazing lunch cooked by his wife. He lived in an amazing 10 bedroom
mansion with a massive vegetable patch. We ate fresh salad for lunch from the garden.
Last night they took us for a nice drive in their flash cars to a really
beautiful river spot. We had ONE beer each after the 40min drive then headed to
the local Cashmere bib house. I ate bib mutton after not eating meat for 5 months.
It was nice but I felt afterwards I would have enjoyed a big plate of bib
veggies instead. I asked the Indian girl did she like Irish or is he wasting
his time. She did. Cool! I played cupid told Irish this and he left me this
morning to travel with her. I am sharing my room with an Israeli we met on the
bus so we both save costs. It was really weird climbing into bed with someone I
didn’t know but we got chatting today and he’s sound. Nice guy just travelling
the world like me. Waiting for CATHY AND Dave to arrive so we can plan our next
2 week adventure!
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